Hospital Visits, Pressing Charges, and Orange Clothing, Oh My!!!!!!!!

My room is supposed to be the LAUNDRY ROOM???!!!

Meeting of the Oranges

I'd like to press charges and get a pack of Newport Lights please.

Leah's singing (or meds) puts Ali to sleep

This week in Teem Mom Land.  If you're not in the hospital or pressing charges then you're wearing orange.

Chelsea-  Chelsea needs to have surgery.  She goes to see her dad Randy to talk about it.  Randmeister says that she will now have to cut back on her “jogging”.  I feel like jogging is code word for something else but I’ll keep it PG right now.  I mean, we all know how Aubrey got here right?  Chelsea tells the Randmeister that she’s going to have Adam take care of the baby while she’s in the hospital.  He doesn't seem to pleased but he can't do anything about it so he's staying out of it.  Well now it’s surgery day and it’s time for Adam to actually parent for once.  He shows up and immediately drops Aubrey on the floor (“accidentally”).  Aubrey and Chelsea both cry.  This is going to go swimmingly.  Chelsea goes in for surgery and Adam is forced to parent for about 2 hours.  From what we see he does an okay job.  Chelsea comes into the room from recovery and is emotional from the start.  Aubrey pulls on Chelsea’s recently worked on leg andAdam calls her a “little bastard” <--loveisrespect.org Adam....loveisrespect.org.  They get back home and Adam and Chelsea have a heart to heart after throwing Aubrey in a pack-in-play to sleep.  That was a pack-in-play wasn’t it?  Why does no one have cribs or toddler beds?

Jenelle-  Well Jenelle and Kieffer are at it again.  Apparently they had another blow out fight (I’m guessing because the seatbelts were too tight in the car) and Jenelle broke up with him.  My guess is that the break up involved her driving up to that grassy knoll where she usually picks him up and opening the car door and telling him to get out.  So Jenelle with no friends and no one to turn to has to call Barb.  Barb decides to call a truce and wants to meet at a restaurant later that day to talk about it.  Jenelle goes to the courthouse to press charges against Kieffer.  She says that this is so she can get back home to Jace but I really feel like it’s just so she can get back at Kieffer and have a place to live.  I mean, she didn’t care about Jace when they were living in her car those first few days did she?  Now, I don’t know how they do things everywhere but in Jenelle’s town they go to a courthouse that looks like a check cashing place and give a statement through a glass wall and then swear on a Bible.  Oh and no one asks for witness information or pictures of injuries or anything.  OK.  Anywho, the charges have been pressed, a warrant is out and I think Jenelle also got $10 on pump 3.  Jenelle then goes to talk to a random friend that I guess she hasn’t talked to in awhile.  They go to meet at the Coffeehouse called….."Coffeehouse" which is directly next door to the Flying Pig.  I’m guessing there's a Flying Pig on every corner out there huh (see what I just did right there)?  She tells her friends about what’s been going on and the domestic violence and her friend doesn’t even flinch.  I guess she really is one of Jenelle’s true friends.  She’s not even shocked by what happened.   Now it’s time for Jenelle and Barb to put on their nicest orange attire and meet to discuss a truce.  Jenelle tells Barb that she was sleeping in her car and Barb starts crying.  Barb says that Jenelle can move back but that they have to get along for the sake of Jace.  Jenelle agrees and comes home.

Leah- Back in West Virginia it’s time for Ali’s M-R-EYE.    Corey took the day off from whatever job he wears that flannel shirt and ratty hat to in order to go to the hospital with them.   They are trying to stay strong for Ali but everyone is visibly nervous.  Corey’s even using up more subtitles than normal trying to explain how he feels.  They pull up to the hospital and we get to see the nice bright orange truck that  probably cost them more than the double wide they live in.  Seriously, who buys trucks that color?  They go in for the M-R-EYE and everything goes as it’s supposed to.  We get to see Ali with her glasses off and I think she looks a lot like Corey.  Hopefully she’ll learn to open her mouth more than her dad when she learns to talk.  They get Ali ready and sedated for the M-R-EYE.  Corey is crying before she even gets her first dose of medicine.  Leah starts crying and then they hug and go into the waiting room to wait and cry some more while the procedure takes place.  Now, putting a little personal info into my blog I will tell you that I had to do the same procedure with my daughter when she was 6 months old and then I had to take her to get sedated again when she was 3 so she could get her eyes examined.  You cry.  A lot.  I feel for them.  It sucks.

Kailyn -  It’s time for Kailyn to sign the lease and move in.  She still hasn’t told her mom that she’s moving out though (because that would be the adult thing to do).  She tells Jordan about the place and he seems really excited that Kailyn will have a new place for him to crash at.  I mean, it’s a 1 bedroom and Isaac has to sleep in the laundry room but ……it’s a new place!!    Kailyn devises a plan to move out really fast while her mom’s at work (insert Benny Hill music here) and then to call her mom afterward and tell her what she did.  Well school is out and it’s time to move so ready 1,2,3 GO!  Kailyn has like 2 hours to move and has not packed anything in boxes.  She says it’s because she has never had to move before.  Um….Kailyn we all saw your “move” from Jo’s house last season.  Well I guess he did put everything in trash bags for you but whatever.  Well they get everything loaded into Kailyn’s apartment/welfare lodge and she goes to call her mom.  Her mom doesn’t seem to mad about it but she does want her TV back.   That needs to come back STAT.  Oh, and don’t forget the remote either.  Drop everything and bring that back too.  She tells Jo that she got a new place now.  Jo acts happy for her.  I have a feeling Jo’s mom has coached him to not look like an a-hole on TV this season because he’s acting a lot nicer (for the cameras at least).  Kailyn is definitely the most mature of this cast but I can’t stand how she just runs away from everything if she feels uncomfortable.  Maybe she’ll learn one day.  We’ll see.  The next day Kailyn goes to return the remote to her mom Suzi and they get into a little tiff about who said what and who wrote the note.  I was waiting for Sammi from Jersey shore to jump out and yell “It was J-Woww and Snooki!” but that sadly never happened.

Next week:  Kailyn and Jordan are bumpin didlies  and have to talk about it out loud.  Adam runs away with Aubrey.  Leah finds out the results for her child’s M-R-EYE…of the brain and Kieffer turns himself into to jail.

Also, the after show.  I’m not doing a full blog on the after show but here’s how it goes.  Everyone’s hair is horrible.   HORRIBLE.  If MTV hired a stylist to do the hair then they should be fired and should find a new career (see above horrible cell phone picture).  Suchin Pak did the recap. They brought on the tears early by asking Leah about the M-R-EYE.  They also talk about how hard it is when you take a baby home.  “You know, you have to get up like every 2 hours.”  “You have to take naps when the baby naps” etc.  They talk about Jenelle and Kailyn’s mom.  Blah blah blah.  It was boring.  If you want to look it up go ahead but I’m not wasting 30 minutes of my life again….

See you next week!!!

Teen Mom 2 Season 2; Episode 2 “That was my chaaaange purse Jenelle!!!”

No more apple juice mom!!!

We live in a car down by the river.

Our new place!

"Don't steal my thunder b*tch"

Kailyn

Well Kailyn is a bit stressed because her mom’s boyfriend wrote her a letter the night before and she isn’t happy about it.  To sum it up he basically wrote for her to clean her room and dust it and that he and her mom don’t like living like trash.  This all would make sense if the room was actually messy but the funny thing is that the room isn’t messy at all (cocaine is a hell of a drug isn’t it?).  She is upset and thinks that she may get kicked out of her mom’s place.  I’m guessing there were other issues besides this note because if not her crying is a little over the top.  Boo…I hate to see the Cowardly Lion sad.  She starts thinking of ways to get out of her mom’s house.  She goes to eat lunch with Jordan and tells him about how unhappy she is.  Jordan tries to make her feel better but he also makes it clear that he’s perfectly content living with his parents (please upgrade Kailyn).  Jordan suggests going on welfare but Kailyn says that she has too much pride to go on welfare.  In the end, Kailyn finds a rent assistance program and gets a decent apartment for $50 a month.  Blah Blah Blah her section of the show is so boring right now.  She sees a problem, she fixes it.  She's responsible.....BORING.  Oh and btw, Isaac poops the pants right when they agree to get the apartment.  Probably because he just realized that his dad lives in a mansion sized home and he’s going to be living in this crappy apartment.  Moving on…

Chelsea

FACEPALM.  That’s how I feel when I have to write about her.  Apparently Adam and his barbed wire tattoo want to get back together.  Also if you want to get back together you let someone know with a private message through Facebook (write that down).  However Chelsea doesn’t have the time to worry about the Facebook message because she re-tore her ACL tripping up the stairs…….seriously…..she makes me so sad.  Her mom comes over in her best Kindergarten Halloween T-shirt and pumpkin earrings and says that they need to go to the hospital.  Well, they find out that Cheslea needs surgery again.  She tells her family that Adam is going to help take care of the baby.  Btw, she wants to get back with him too (surprise!).  Chelsea decides to talk to her friend Tiffany about getting back together with Adam.  Tiffany is less than excited but they all know that Chelsea’s going to make the same mistake so there’s not really an argument made about it at all.  Chelsea tries to justify it by saying her heart is hurting…..whatever.  Cheslea goes to talk to her sugar daddy (well actually daddy) Randy and he says that he sees that she has a new friend on facebook.  Btw- I really want to be Randy’s facebook friend.  We could discuss teeth whitening and maybe he could buy me a nice house to live in rent free.  A girl can dream right?  Randy is disappointed in Chelsea’s decision but Chelsea doesn’t seem to care.  I’d like to see Chelsea try to survive if her dad cuts her off.  I mean the girl can’t take a GED to save her life.  In the end Chelsea and Adam are back together…yay…..facepalm.

LEAH

Leah’s exhausted because after a full day of work she has to go pick up the girls AND put them to bed still.  Welcome to reality Leah.  Corey and Leah put the girls to bed and then talk about Ali’s doctor appointment.  Corey’s still wearing that old stringy nasty hat and he still doesn’t open his mouth when he talks so I don’t really know anything that he said.  Honey, open your mouth please.  Then MTV won’t have to pay to add subtitles when you talk.  It’s time for Ali’s doctor appointment.  Ali’s eyes are doing better so she won’t need surgery but her optic nerves are smaller than normal.  Now usually I don’t put my personal life into these blogs but my daughter’s optic nerves are also smaller than normal and we had to go through the same process that Leah’s going through.  It sucks and they cannot give you a true diagnosis.  They just tell you to wait and that you won’t know anything until her eyes fully develop.  It sucks and I feel for her.  For this reason I am not going to make fun of her Pamela Anderson Halloween wig hair this episode.  I will wait until next week.  After the appointment Leah calls her mom to discus the appointment and let’s her know that Ali’s going to need an M-R-EYE of the brain.  She has a convo with Corey about it too and Leah says that she’s not going to accept that Ali has brain damage until it has been proven by a specialist.   The next day they go to Corey’s parent’s house and the other twin, Aleeah, takes her first 2 steps.  In response Ali gives her twin the “honey badger don’t give a damn” face.  Corey’s stepmom says that her WebMd research shows that Ali may lose vision in her eye.  Btw, just a tip.  Don’t ever google or WebMd anything.  You will always get the worst case scenario.  Always. 

Jenelle

Well Jenelle and Kiefer are living in her car and things aren’t going so well because well for one, they’re LIVING IN HER CAR and two, Kiefer started drinking again (raise your hand if you think he never stopped drinking).  It scares me that she doesn’t seem that concerned about being kicked out of her house and not being able to be her son but I’m not surprised.  Jenelle calls her friend Amber (i.e. Miranda Lambert) and asks if they can shower over there.  They are SO grody.  I feel like if I could smell them through the screen it would be B.O. mixed with sweat and depression.  Jenelle decides to go to the library but Kieffer doesn’t want to go.  He’d rather go to the “Sweepstakes” instead.  Question.  Does anyone know what the “Sweepstakes” are?  On the drive to the sweepstakes they get mad because all Kiefer talks about is weed, alcohol or drugs.  Oh, what a winner.  Later Miranda Lambert and Jenelle have a heart to heart about Kieffer.  She says that she realizes that she sacrifices time with her son to spend time with Kieffer.  Sad that she doesn’t seem to understand how damaging that is to her son…..  Later the gang all decide to go bowling.  During this scene we get some notable sayings such as “Planet fun is down the road!” and “Let’s bizzounce!”  Jenelle is mad because Kieffer has alcohol and she doesn’t like it.  Her friend, we’ll call him Howdy Doody, is pissed because he drove all this way and people are unhappy.  Jenelle tells Kieffer to take one more drink and she’ll knock him out.  Kieffer takes a drink and Jenelle goes ballistic.  She throws Howdy Doody’s change purse at Kieffer.  Howdy Doody gets pissed (“That was my chaaaange purse Jenelle!!!”).  What ensued was like a crazy episode of Cops without the cops.  Jenelle’s friends just stand there and watch.   I believe it’s time for  a Loveisrespect.org plug annnnnnnnnnnd there it is!  Does anyone else think those little 30 second spots  are MTV’s special way of saying “Please don’t sue us for showing domestic violence on TV?” 

Next week in Teen Mom land.  Kailyn tries to secretly move out. Jenelle goes to get a restraining order against Kieffer.  Chelsea and Adam fight at the hospital (surprise) and Leah takes Ali for her MRI.

Did I miss anything?  Spell someone's name wrong?  Hate my blog?  Leave me a comment and let me know.  I won't promise that I'll read them but I'll comment either way.

Teen Mom 2 : Homelessness is the new Black

^^The same look I give when I watch this show.

Guess who’s back.  Once again.  Teen Mom’s back.  Tell a friend. 

I’m baaaaack and I’m here to recap the ever loving crap out of Teen Mom 2!!!

Kailyn

Kailyn, the cowardly lion, is still dating Jordan.  Ummm how can I say this without being mean…..Jordan is such a tool.  Seriously I think Kailyn and her sour puss face can do so much better but it’s whatever makes her happy I guess.  Kailyn calls Jo to ask if she can get Isaac early for trick- or-treating and they have a civilized conversaion.  Yay!  Since Jo’s not filming another rap video for youtube I guess he’s willing to be more accommodating.  I’ll admit it.  It’s nice to see them be nice to each other.  It’s healthy.  You don’t see healthy on this show a lot.  Jordan, Kailyn and Isaac go trick or treating together and everyone has a great time…..yawn.  They’re so normal it’s boring. 

Leah

Leah’s been at home with the twins and she’s wanting to get out with those hot new Pamela Anderson late Baywatch days blond extensions and partaaay!!!  She tells Corey that she wants to get a job and Corey seems less than thrilled.  Leah sells him on the idea by saying that she can earn some gas money.  I guess the gas prices are affecting everyone these days.  Corey thinks that she’ll flirt with everyone.  Now I know ppl are like “Well she has twins and lives in a trailer” but seriously she’s probably the hottest commodity in West Virginia so I understand where he’s coming from.    Leah goes on the job hunt (enter minimum wage job hunt montage).  She finally gets a call from her mom saying that there’s job opening at the dental office.  Since I guess there’s no experience needed to work with teeth at this place she goes and interviews and immediately gets the job.  Corey’s still worried about her cheating (foreshadowing anyone?) but he is happy for her.

Chelsea

Chelsea’s studying for her GED.  Good lord I know this show’s been off the air for a bit but how long does it take?  Seriously?  Adam wants to come back in the picture (more than likely because he’ll be on camera again) and Chelsea is taking the bait because she just loves punishment.  Adam comes over and Chelsea gives Aubrey a nice big bottle of apple juice and puts her hair in that nice wavy style for a reunion.  Adam’s trying to weasel his way to some Teen Mom 2 money and Chelsea’s eating it up.   She talks to her mom about Adam and her mom tells her that Adam is no good and to just stay single.  Chelsea still wants to see him though.   I know he’s not the only guy in South Dakota with no life and a barb wire tattoo.  Seriously Chelsea, get some self esteem and get it fast.  Oh and get that GED one day too. 

Jenelle

So Jenelle’s been sneaking around with Kieffer because Barb doesn’t want them to be together (for obvious reasons).   Jenelle’s friends (well the 2 loyal ones she has) try to warn her about Kieffer.  Btw- doesn’t the girl look like a young Miranda Lambert?  Just me?  Ok.  Anywho Jenelle’s not listening because she loves living on the edge (which leads to living on the street) so we all see how this is going to end up.   Finally what we’ve all been waiting for.  Barb and Jenelle start their fight.  Barb is mad because she says Jenelle was out too late and she has to go to work (in the meat department at Wal-Mart) and she can’t be late.   I just feel so bad for Jace.  Good lord, through all this he just sits there and takes it all in.  What a disaster.   She calls Kieffer and he walks down the street (literally, you know bc he lives on the street) to comfort her.  Btw- how does he have a phone?  Isn’t he homeless?  Who pays that bill?  Finally it’s Halloween and Jenelle meets up with Kieffer who is standing on the side of the road waiting for her to drive up.  They hang out and then Jenelle gives him her car so he can hang out with friends.  They do this exchange and then Kieffer drops her off…..right in front of the house….because we know Barb’s not going to be watching her at all right?  #Epicfail.  Barb right on cue confronts Jenelle and the fight that I’ve been waiting 55 minutes for finally begins!

Now due to the accents and craziness it’s a little hard to hear it all but I got the jist of it. 

Barb: Well Jenelle I seen you with Kieffaaah!  Get out!!!

Jenelle:  “I can touch my child.  Get the f*ck off, stupid b*tch!”  ßhow is she still alive?  My mom would’ve murdered me and she would’ve used this episode to prove just cause.

(Barb gives the baby to her boyfriend Mike)

Barb: “Ya done!” and Barb throws Jenelle’s clothes out the door.

(It’s like an episode of Cops without the cops.)

Barb: “I hope yah have fun living in the f*cking street with yah booooooyfrieeeend!!!   (EPIC)

Barb: I thought you broke up with this son of a b*tch.  Tell yah boyhfriennd to come pick you up!”

Barb: Yah to selfish to take care of yah kid yah little b*tch!”  - door slam.

As you can tell, Barb won the fight by a mile with her clothes throwing skills and her awesome comments.   Trick or treating should be nice and awkward since I’m guessing that all of their neighbors crack the blinds so they can watch every second of this.

Next week:

Kailyn worries about bills (yawn).

Leah goes to the doctor to talk about her child’s condition.

Chelsea goes back to Adam.

Jenelle and Kieffer fight.

Stay with me people.  It’s bound to get better from here right?  

Jersey Shore: Season 4, Episode 10- Brought to you by the letter "V" as in Vino

Ok, it’s a new week and a new episode!

This week we get to see the wreckage from what happened last week.  We get to see Snooki do the walk of shame from Vinny’s bed to her room.  Since she’s been drunk 24-7 since flying into Florence she has no idea what happened.  So she decides to go out for mimosas with J-Woww.  J-Woww tells Snooki how Mike told everyone about them hooking up and Snooki is pissed.  I mean she yelled out “crazy pants!!” at him at like 7 in the morning so you know she’s mad. I would be mad too.  She probably caught something. 

During all this Sitch calls his friend “The Unit” (really? The Unit?) and goes all white boy gangsta on the phone while talking about what happened b/t him and Snooki.  Why is he still bragging about this?  I mean Snooki’s gotten on nearly half the house, she isn’t really such a prized commodity is she?  He decides in his best “I smashed my face into a wall” head to make up a lie and say that he gave “The Unit" Jionni’s number and see “who the rat is”.   Pauly D thinks this is hilarious (probably because he’s the only one who stays out of all the drama). While I normally think Mike is an idiot I think he’s really doing all of this just to prove he is right and that Snooki is lying.  Whatever.  MTV needs the ratings so here we go!!

Back to mimosas.  After Snooki and JWoww go out for their daily drink sans food they go running through the streets of Italy.  Snooki is carrying a luggage case with her.  I’m guessing that is just so she’ll be ready to go as they could deport these idiots at any time.  She chases down a nun and then does cartwheels in the street……totally normal.  She also buys a HUGE bottle of wine (I mean HUGE) and proceeds to accidentally drop it and shatter it in the process.  I bet that bottle of wine costs as much as I make in a month and she just laughs it off.  FML….why did I go to college?

Anywho they make their way back to the house and the minute Snooki hears that Sitch may have ratted her out she starts running through the house like a crazy woman throwing anything she can at him.   No one tries to stop this fight.  Mike’s bobbing and weaving (kind of like Snooki did on him) and trying to get away from little 4’9” Snooki.  All Snooki can do is yell and say “Fuck you!” (i.e. she’s guilty).  Btw- wth is going on with Sitch’s hair in Italy this season?  It looks like a weasel died on his head.

The gang splits up for some unknown reason.  The girls go to a wine tasting tour in Tuscany and the boys go to visit Vinny’s family in Sicily.  Snooki and JWoww have a mini argument since Snooki doesn’t want to get up.  Does anyone notice how Snooki keeps saying that JWoww is a bad best friend but really Snooki is the crappy friend??  Just saying.  Anywho they put on their dresses that show the least cleavage and their best church hats (Snooki’s is cheetah print of course) and head out the door. 

In order from L to R: Ronnie, Vinnie, Small Vinny, Medium Vinny, Pauly D, Sitch

The guys arrive at Sicily and Vinny’s family comes out.  I mean the entire family came out for a chance to be on TV, I mean a chance to meet Vinny.  They have a 1000 course dinner and look at old pictures.  The best part is really Sitch being hit by a soccer ball in the junk.  The cast has been wanting to do that all season.  Good times (Ryan yawn). 

^^^"I've been drunk since I got to Italy"

The girls go on the wine tour at an old castle.  They really aren’t interested in the history of the wine at all.  They just pretty much want to get wasted and make it look classy.  They get their wine and start talking about Jionni.  JWoww tells Snooki the damage is done and to move on since she hooked up with Vinny.  Snooki gets pissed and ends up screaming and running out of the place and into the street.  She has no idea where to go though so it basically looks like she is running in circles.  Sometimes she needs a leash.   The rest of the wine tour is JWoww being on her phone while the man is talking and Snooki passing out on top of barrels of wine.  I’m almost done writing the“I’m Sorry from America” cards to Tuscany.  Great trip guys.

They get back to Florence and Snooki & J-Woww make up (she’s gotta keep her hot friend) and then she proceeds to call her dad.  Her dad tells her that Jionni changed his Facebook status to “single”.  Hahaha it’s not real if it’s not on FB is it?  She calls Jionni and they have an argument over the phone about the status change.  Then she tells Jionni that she and Vinny didn’t have sex but she slept in his bed and they "hooked up" or whatever.  Jionni says to tell Vinny he’s dead next time he sees him and then breaks up with her.  Lord what I would pay to see Super Mario and Lazy Eyed Vinny have it out…

Later Snooki puts on her best hot pink outfit and stunner shades (indoors) to call Jionni and try to win him back.  Does she know he can’t see her through the phone?  Anywho, Jionni is pissed but he must have checked his bank balance since then because he takes her back.  The funny part is AFTER all of this she finally decides to ask Vinny what actually happened.  He tells Snooki that they had sex.  She honestly can’t remember having sex with Vinny.  Has this happened to anyone?  Seriously please tell me what you drink to make that happen because I’ve gotten stupid messed up drunk before and forgot where I went or who I talked to but I’ve never forgotten if I’ve “done the diddy” or not.  Snooki ends up having to call Jionni and change her story (which should work out well) and that’s all she wrote folks.

 

"Did we smush or what?"

I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to watch Jionni break up with Snooki over the phone.  Also coming up next week Pauly D dives off the deep by seriously considering “getting it in” with Deena and they have an Intervention-like meeting with Sitch.  Stay with me people.  I recap just for you!!  Ciao!!

Teen Mom Season 3, Reunion Pt. 2- Let's put Hot Ryan and Translucent Kyle in the same room and get some answers!!!

"I still love you"   "I still love you too"

Here we go guys!!  Part 2 of the Reunion since MTV wants to take up 2 weeks of my time with this mess....

The reunion starts where we left off with Amber coming back onto stage after she ran off last week.  Shoot I thought that was the last I’d see of her.  She seems to be doing much better after her little jaunt backstage.  They talk a little bit more but I’m just ignoring drugged out Amber and her slurry mom.  I want the other couples. 

Ok, now to the good stuff. Tyler and Catelynn are up first.  They show clips of the show.  Frankly I think that they are the best and smartest couple on the show because of all of the adult decisions they made throughout the duration of this show.   You can tell they’re really here to talk about serious issues because Catelynn has on her best bow in her hair with her 1980’s Flashdance off the shoulder t-shirt and Tyler has on his best Ed Hardy knock off tee. They say that their relationship is going well.  They also say that Tyler gets second thoughts about the relationship.  Catelynn is obviously insecure about this since she realizes that she’s gained a bit of weight and she thinks Tyler is going to leave her (he might – I don’t sugar coat).

 ***I mean, don’t get me wrong but think about who you dated when you were 17.  Are you still together?  There’s only a small percentage that say yes…

Tyler says that issues with Butch are unresolved since he’s back in jail (man, I’m so pissed we don’t get to see the mullet this episode).  Apparently he violated his parole violation and was videotaped out with April.  Who turned him in?  TMZ? 

Now just what I wanted.  They bring out April.  She’s wearing her best tank top (sans bra) and is rocking black boots outside of her jeans.  If she would’ve combed her hair an put on her lip balm she would’ve easily looked the best she has looked all season.  April is still hung up on the Carly adoption situation. Honestly April is being calm and articulate.  I’m a bit disappointed.  They’ve all gotten really close through this entire process.  ***Spoiler Alert**** It stinks that Butch got out of jail and got all cracked out and choked April out causing an upcoming divorce….  Their reunion section was so sweet and calm (insert Ryan yawn).  I’m happy for them.

Moving on to what I’ve been wanting for the past week!!  Goldilocks is going to talk about her relationships with Ry-yawn and the Abominable Snowman!!!!.   The best part about all of this is that I’m going to get to see Ryan!!  Yay!!!!  Drew starts out by asking about Ryan. Thank you Dr. Drew!!! Maci says their friendship/co-parenting is going well.  Maci still wants to have another baby because she’s absolutely nuts.  Dr. Drew is trying to talk her out of it.  Probably because this baby would not nearly be as cute as the one she had with Ryan (I’m just being honest people).  They decide to bring out Kyle.  He looks sick to his stomach thinking about having a baby with Maci.  Kyle says that dating a teen mom is hard because of the drama.  He asks Kyle if they broke up would he still want to be part of Bentley’s life.  Kyle says he would like to but Maci shuts that down because she doesn’t want to hurt Bentley.  She says that she feels bad about taking away years from her parents because she moved out when she was 17.   Maci- they’re okay.  Maci also mentions that her parents got married and had her baby when they were 17 and Dr. Drew didn’t know that.  Um, isn’t he supposed to know everything about these people by now?  She also mentions that she got pregnant the first time she had sex "like in the first hour of her having sex she got pregnant".  First of all, within the first hour?  Ryan was putting in WORK wasn’t he?  It probably was the hardest she’s ever seen him work actually.  It wasn’t HIS first time I guess…

Now they bring out Ryan (Yay!!! ßme cheering!).  Where did they hide Kyle??  Oh well who cares.  Ryan is looking hot as usual. Ryan says that he didn’t want to take her to court because he thinks that they can work their parenting issues out on their own.  He also thinks Maci is crazy for wanting to have another baby.   Dr. Drew asks Ryan what the next 5 years would look like.  He says that he would want Maci to be happy and he wants them to get along.  Maci agrees.  So are they going to get back together or not?  I’m confused.  He mentions that if he had been the one to move to Nashville and move in with someone that Maci would’ve freaked.  Dr. Drew asks if he misses Maci when she’s not around.  Ryan says no.  Drewsers eludes that Ryan may still be in love with Maci.  Ryan says that without a doubt that he’s still loves her as a person because she’s the mom of his child.  He says that Maci will be in his life until the day that she dies.  Dr. Drew says that he was pulling for them to get back together (as was America) and they both say that wouldn’t be healthy (right now).  Dr. Drew reluctantly decides to bring out Kyle, or as Maci says it “Kyyyyyy”.  Ryan says that Kyle is a good guy and that Kyle and Maci seem happy.  Ryan says that it was rough when they first met (because Ryan still loved Maci right?) but they are okay now.  Kyle was doing a lot of talking but I couldn’t understand it all because he can’t open his mouth.  Ryan and Maci have some conversation about not getting along sometimes and blah blah blah.  I think Dr. Drew helped them through it but I had to Ryan yawn so I missed that part.  Are Maci and Ryan back together yet?  Not yet?  Okay….  Ryan’s advice to teen parents is to do everything you could to work it out and to be there for your child.  Dr. Drew asks Ryan if he did everything he could to work it out with Maci (#Boom!) and Ryan doesn’t agree or deny to it.  Ryan says that if he could do it over again he would’ve tried to work harder on everything.  Maci looks sad about it because secretly she loves Ryan still.  You know you see it America.  I’m just putting it on paper (electronic paper).

 

Itsyoursexlife.com plug!!!!  

In the end they bring out everyone on stage and it’s fun and awkward and just like a real reunion.  The cast gets to ask each other questions.  All the moms say that they’re better off now then they were at the beginning of the shows (thanks MTV money).  Amber asks Catelynn if they’ve chosen a date for their wedding yet (really?).  Catelynn says July 15^th of some year that they don’t know yet (it’s not gonna happen).  Bentley goes and sits next to Farrah.  It is the cutest thing ever.  He’s got a crush on Farrah.  Watch out Farrah!!   Sophia does a monster face and Leah is running around in a ball gown wanting attention so she gets to say goodbye to everyone.

Well, I guess it is goodbye to another Season of Teen Mom.   I hope they show a Season 4 otherwise I won’t know what to do with my time on Tuesday evenings.  Maybe sleep??….Naw….I’ll probably just Google pictures of Ryan and try to contact him via Facebook and Twitter.  Bentley your stepmom is on the way!!!!!

Jersey Shore: "Gym, Tan, Look like a Ho on National Television"

If you wanna have fun & do something craaaazy (Like recap this mess)!!!!

The episode starts the morning after Snooki and Jionni (Super Mario)’s fight.  Snooki was showing off her goodies in the club and Jionni left her.    She wakes up and feels horrible since she can’t get in touch with him.  So, she does what any other concerned girlfriend would do....  She decides to go out and get stupid drunk again.  She wants JWoww to go but JWoww’s not putting up with her crazy midget ass since they were in a screaming match the night before.  Snooki puts on a size Medium Men's Ed Hardy Shirt (I'm guessing) with a belt and apparently 2 abominable snowmen made shoes and books it out of the house.  Once she gets to the bar Snooki decides to announce to everyone what happened between her and her boyfriend since she thinks they all should know (no one in the bar cares) and then continues to dance to house music.....at 11am....classy.

Back at the pizzeria, Pauly D, Ronnie and Deena are all working together.   The boss makes Deena clean the toilet. She throws a fit because apparently she’s above cleaning toilets??  I don’t know why shes’s mad.  This would be a great resume booster for her interview with McDonalds in 2 years.  Deena mops the floor and then picks up the mop and rubs it all over the toilet seat…disgusting.  I will forever hover in public bathrooms from here on out.

Snooki makes it home and decides to drunk dial her father to let him know how upset she is.  Her dad starts to get angry on Snooki’s behalf.  What I would do to see a picture of Snooki’s dad.  I imagine he looks something like a mix between Mario and Luigi and he’s about 5’2”.    While on the phone she starts to get mad at JWoww for not being her designated drinking buddy for the day.  JWoww apologizes since she realizes that Snooki is basically helpless at this point.  Did anyone see JWoww’s floaties during this scene (you couldn’t miss them)?  They were huge & all over the place the whole time.  What was going on there?  #teamyouneedabraatalltimes..  Snooki is extremely depressed and is bringing down the mood of the entire house.  Jwoww goes to call Jionni to beg him to talk to Snooki.  While she’s gone Sammi “Sweetheart?” goes in to comfort Snooks.  It goes something like this:  "Your hair looks perfect, your hair looks very cute, who cares if your face is a mess?  You look ni---, you look like you.  Who cares.”  ß-lord she sucks....  JWoww gets Jionni on the phone but he says he’s not in the same city.  Btw- what phones are they using? Maybe an international cell phone? They make phone calls really fast in Florence.  Jionni says he can’t talk about what she did to him.  I did a little digging (very little) and found out that Jionni is studying to be a teacher.   Maybe having a girlfriend that shows her gentlemen greeter to the world is a turn off when your interviewing for teaching positions at  the local Catholic high school??  

He tells Snooki that he took a train to Rome.   Snooki gets all pissy and JWoww tells her to not be like Sam.  I love it.  Especially since Sam is still in the same room.  In fact this whole reference to Sam is hilarious in my opinion.  Jwoww keeps calling Snooki “Sam” and tells her to go get “Ron”.  Sammi thinks the whole thing is hilarious too since I guess she’s completely changed from 2 episodes ago.  Don’t get too ahead of yourself girly.  I know you haven’t fought with Ronnie in one episode and that’s the record but you haven’t improved that much.  JWoww and Snooki go to meet Super Mario outside the train station.  He says that he is sorry about the fight but he still has to leave bc his mom changed his ticket.  Snooki begs him to stay and says she’ll pay (take her offer, they got rich off this shit show) but he leaves anyway.   Snooki wants to bury herself in a whole because she feels so horrible.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep Snooki. 

In the house Vinny and Pauly D decide that it would be funny to put furniture on Deena’s bed.  Vinny’s wearing purple pants…..it’s a little suspect but he gets a free pass because he chased Deena out of the shower naked when she tried to call him out.  The crew decides to go out to the club that night but Snooki doesn’t know whether she’s going out or not.  She contemplating it while drinking a beer in bed…..perfectly normal..   She finally goes out to the club and starts dancing like a maniac.  She gets some poor innocent Italian kid and starts choking him out while dancing on the dance floor.  Again, completely normal. 

At the club Deena confides to JWoww that she think she may be pregnant because she’s dizzy and moody all the time.  Btw being dizzy and moody also comes with drinking 24-7 without taking a break, just a FYI.    They leave the club and finally find some Pharmacy that looks like a dungeon where some crypt keeper is just up waiting to sell pregnancy tests at 3am.  Deena takes the test and………………..not pregnant (she just missed a chance at a spinoff show).  MTV decides to show the peed on pregnancy test to the world.  We did not need to see that.  Sidenote: Did anyone see Ronnie passed out on top of Sammi in her bed during this whole scene?  Hilarious. 

Snooki calls Jionni back to check on him.  She’s wearing some hat that she stole from her grandma’s closet and then covered in Zebra hide because you know, that’s what you wear indoors in Florence.  They get into a fight because Jionni says that she was dancing like a pig in front of her and that he was humiliated.   He says that he can’t believe that he had to fly “across the country” to be humiliated ß This is why Americans score so low on the list in Education.  Across the country Jionni?  Really?  Please don’t say that he’s studying to be a Geography teacher.  Snooki gets pissed and tells him that she’s not being herself.  Jionni’s comment is priceless:

“You’re drunk 7 days a week, you’re hooking up with girls and you’re dancing in your underwear.  That’s not you?”

Super Mario- 1, Snooki- 0.  Snooki decides to get the upper hand and says that they need to take a break for a few days.   Poor poor Snooki.  Things never go her way do they?  She decides to turn the living room into her favorite club from back home, Karma, and have a little house party.  Great now instead of going out to get grenades all the roommates are just going to hook up with each other.  They all go and put on their nicest cheetah print dresses and rock Snooki poofs and start fist pumping in the living room.  Of course just like I mention within 30 minutes Snooki starts flirting with STD-uation and he takes the attention and runs with it.  <---- (Creeptastic)

He decides to pull Snooki to the side and confess his love to her.   Where is Sitch at mentally, seriously?  I’m so confused by him this season.  Did that blow to the head mess him up for good?  IMO (that means in my opinion) moment.  I am #TeamSitch on the whole did he/didn’t he hook up with Snooki story.  He mentions that they hooked up before and they hooked up in LA and Snooki says nothing.  Then he mentions it again and there’s this whole “I know what happened.  You know what happened.   So Shut up” conversation.     Hey, guess what?  America doesn’t know what happened.  What the hell happened?!  Someone PLEASE let us know what really happened?!!!  Since Sitch couldn’t hook up with Snooki he decides to bring more drama by mentioning that the guys backed him up when he wanted to Kung Fu fight Jionni last episode.  Snooki is pissed and argues with Xenadrine/Roided out Ronnie about what happened.  Watch out Snooki.  If he starts to go green I would run.  She gives up on fighting and just decides to just go and hook up with Vinny instead…..classy. The end.

A few awards need to be given out for this episode:

JWoww- Best friend Award- She put up with Snooki’s drunken yelling, ran through the streets of Florence looking for Jionni, apologized for ignoring Snooki the next day even though Snooki never apologized to her , went with Deena to get her a pregnancy test at 3am and then defended Snooki against Situation’s accusations even though she doesn’t personally know what happened.  She and her newly bought face deserve a medal.

PaulyD- “Funniest Moment of the Episode” – When he kicks Deena out of his bed even though she is trying so hard to get it in with him.  He doesn’t want to beat that beat up Deena.  Sigh, will she ever learn?

Can’t wait for next week.  Hopefully we’ll be back to Jersey Shore and not the Snooki and friends show that it has been for the past 2 weeks…

Teen Mom Season 3: Reunion Special Pt. 1 - Amber and her eyelashes walked off the set

Teen Mom Reunion Special Time!!!! ---à Well, part one anyway....Someone please explain to me why they needed a two part special?

First off, they have all 4 girls on the stage and they are only going to talk to 2 of them…..lame.  Maci’s rocking those greasy blond extensions, Amber’s lashes are going from her face to the floor (and I think she’s high right now), Catelynn has switched from a flower to a bow in her hair (Btw-1992 called, they want their hair back).  I also think that Farrah is wearing a mumu?  Dr. Drew starts out and asks Maci what’s the deal with the pacifier.  She says that Bentley doesn't have the pacifier in at all times (LIES!).  Then she literally jokes about it saying  "If he has a pacifier at 17 then he won’t get his girlfriend pregnant".  Does she still not know how babies are made?  Catelynn says that she plans to start college for early childhood development in the fall.  Based on what we saw of her progress at school that’s definitely where she needs to start.  Basic Ed.  Amber says that Leah goes potty and then runs around the house completely naked afterward (foreshadowing anyone?).

Farrah is up first.  Farrah says that she is still planning on going to Florida.  Dr. Drew starts off and asks her why she doesn’t have any friends.  He thinks she should have lots of friends.  Does he watch the same show we do?   Here it comes!! Here it comes!!!  #Boom!  Ugly cry!!  She says it’s hard to find real friends (Newsflash: It’s because you are so rude and mean to people).   Dr. Drew keeps going in and asks Farrah about Derek.  He just really wants to see this ugly cry turn into a full out wail doesn’t he?  She says that being a Teen mom is very hard and that ppl need to educate themselves about contraceptives.  She hopes to meet friends and educate herself and have a great time with Sophia in Florida.  She plans to leave Sophia in Iowa for 2 weeks (she'll change her mind on that really quick) but she never told Debra that news.  Well, guess what?  Just like an old Maury episode, Debra is backstage and just heard the news and she’s ready to come out and give us a piece of her mind.  Come onnnnnnn out Debra!!!!  Of course Farrah decides that she will rudely explain to her mom that she’s taking Sophia away from her.  Alas, Debra and her perfectly feathered hair stay calm through all this drama.  She seems upset because she spent all this time fixing up Farrah's old room for Sophia.  Farrah cries saying that she doesn’t want Sophia in her bedroom because there are “lots of memories in that room” (was Sophia conceived there?).  Farrah’s having a lot of trouble moving on and the tears are spilling all down that orange tanned face of hers.  Dr. Drew tells her to let go of the fantasy of her childhood (THANK YOU DR. DREW) and to move on.  Just like I'm about to move on...

Next up is Amber.  Here we go people!!  Question time.  What drug is Amber on while taping this episode?  Uppers? Downers?  Is she falling asleep or just high?  Why is she swaying?  So many questions…well, at least her shoes are cute.  Dr. Drew starts out by asking about the domestic violence charges.  Amber doesn’t know what the status is of everything but she’s scared.  She doesn’t seem to understand why people are upset at her for hitting Gary.  Amber says that she and Gary are trying to work things out (bad idea).  Amber also says that “If you’re watching this show and you think it is glamorous then what is wrong with you.”  ßmost informative thing she’s ever said.  Dr. Drew commends her for trying to get help (and I do to, cause she’s a fucking train wreck).  The next part is still a bit weird to me.  Amber starts talking about her sister that she lost to SIDS.  She says that she was about 4 or 5 and then she starts doing the ugly cry (that’s Farrah’s cry Amber.  Stop it) and swaying a bit.  Her voice starts raising a few octaves and then she totally loses it.  It’s a mess.  Why is this the first time that she's mentioned her sister?  She's been on this show for YEARS and she's never mentioned this at all.  Is someone reaching for sympathy points??  Of course right after they get Amber's drug riddled emotions all up they decide to bring out Gary.  Gary’s wearing his nicest blue shirt (looking like the pacific ocean) and the buttons are screaming out for help.  Dr, Drew says that Gary constanly pushed Amber’s buttons this season.  Gary disagrees.  Btw, where did Gary’s neck go?  Is that a question for another show?  They discuss not having the joint birthday party.  Gary says he didn’t want a joint party to protect Leah from their fighting.  Amber jumps in with the attitude, the sour face and some neck rolling to let us all know that she had “changed” by then.  If you listen very quietly you will hear the caterpillars on her lashes mutter “mmmm hmmm”.  Gary says that he wants to be with Amber and that he’s in love with her.  Dr. Drew asks Amber if she’s in love with Gary and she just sits there and looks around ß--here’s your sign Gary.  Dr. Drew tries to sugar coat it all by saying that Amber doesn’t feel safe being in love with Gary but I don’t need a PHD to see that Amber thinks that she can do better than Gary.  Does Amber know that she's taping the reunion special for Teen Mom and not going to party with the cast of Jersey Shore later?  With her tan, her fake lashes (that I assume she got free with her purchase of LA Colors eyeshadow) and her stringy hair extensions it looks like she thought she was going to hang out with the gang right after the show.  I mean she obviously was DTF at one point right?  Too much?  Ok.... They finally talk about Amber’s relationship with her mom, Tonya.    Tonya comes out and I start trying to figure out if Amber just looks like her dad or what happened there.  Btw, was Tonya on any substances back in the day or does she need some dental work done?  It’s hard to understand what she’s saying sometimes.   They start talking about Amber’s sister Candice that passed away from SIDS and Amber dramatically walks off stage.  Amber’s mom just sits there like a bump on a log (great parenting) while Dr. Drew goes to comfort Amber......to be continued......(Insert Ryan yawn here).

In all this special was kind of a bore.  Dr. Drew asked a few questions but he didn't get to the really good ones.  I mean I still had some written down on my paper:


*Farrah, why are you a complete b*tch to your parents ALL the time?  Don't you know that's disrespectful?


*Gary what is up with your one cute friend and where can we get his information?


*Amber, what's up with your education?  Will you ever graduate high school or are you just going to ride this out before you start stripping?


*Has anyone else (besides myself) thought about having a baby with Ryan?

Sigh, oh well.  They show some clips of next week.  Catelynn is worried that Tyler might dip out on her (he might).  Kyle and Ryan fight and I actually see Kyle’s teeth.  Sophia does the monster face.  Looks like next week will be much more exciting.  As promised I will stay up late and recap the crap out of next week as well.  Let’s hope I don’t have to repeatedly splash myself in the face with water to stay awake for that one.

Stay tuned!!!!

Jersey Shore: The one where a tan Hello Kitty runs through the streets of Florence chasing Super Mario

JIOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

 

This episode starts out with Snooki getting a breathalyzer by the Florence police because she rear ended a cop car.  Yep a cop car.  She doesn’t want to go to jail (since she did that last season) but she ends up going anyway because the guys cannot get her passport to her fast enough.  Unfortunately they are not able to show her going to jail or anything which is unfortunate because I could only imagine how that would go.  Snooki and Deena yelling “Team Meatball” and tonguing each other in the jail cell.  Kind of like those old movies they used to show late at night on Cinemax right??  Her response to the whole incident was “Whatareyagonnado? Whateva?”  How about not hit a cop car Snooki?  That’s what I would do.  Snooki gets home and immediately calls Jionni who responds by asking “Were you drunk?”  They seem to know each other so well already.   Jionni tells her that Roger's not coming to visit.  Snooki has to tell JWoww who gets incredibly upset and does the ugly cry (not the right show JWoww).  The girls decide to all go out and have a girls night.  The guys go out as well.  Let’s see what trash they bring back home…  There’s a slight montage of the guys dancing at the club.  Here’s my question.  Does anyone else notice that no one else is ever dancing when the guys are on the dance floor?  They just stand around and stare like “stupid americans”.  I’m so embarrassed for my country.  Moving on.

Snooki, who has stayed home from the club, gets a special late night visitor. 

Mike’s “friend” Britney (who thinks DTF is her middle name) wants to see The Situation’s situation and she wants to see it now.  Snooki takes full advantage of this and takes her to the confession room.  What ensues is probably the funnies thing that Snooki has ever done.  Britney is confessing her love for The Situation while being drunker than a skunk and Snooki is making fun of her in the background.  Snooki tells her to call Sitch daily, send him flowers and then she asks her to lay in his bed and wait for him.   The boys finally come home with their “grenades” and Sitch finds Britney in his bed….while he’s standing there with another girl….#Boom awkward.  Sitch decides that he’ll go with the whore that he knows will put out and kicks out the new Australian trash he picked up.  Snooki gets pissed because her prank turned into a Ho delivery service (write that down Snooki you may need that job idea in about 5 years).

The next day Snooki is freaking out because Jionni will be here soon.  She has JWoww spray tan her and then she starts trying on outfits like crazy.   The crazy thing is that everything she wears looks like a Halloween costume.  She decides to go with the Cop costume.which is fitting since she just got arrested the day before.   Jionni finally arrives and Snooki is bouncing off the walls.    Of course she wants to catch up and everything so they head straight to the smush room.  Don’t worry folks.  Snooki puts on new sheets and febreezing so “you know, they don’t get diseases” (too late).    While this is going on Mike decides (in his head) that Jionni hates him.  He starts doing karate moves in the hallway to which Deena replies “Do your thing Kung Fu Panda” <--Ding! Ding! Ding! One liner of the episode.

After the smushfest the gang decides to go out.  Snooki is wearing an outfit that makes her look like Hello Kittty’s lost tan sister.  In the cab Mike starts spouting off at the mouth that he thinks Jionni is going to fight him.  He is really sticking to his fake storyline this week.  No one believes him for a second and it’s making him look like an idiot. 

Snooki decides that she and Jionni are going to have tan guido babies and that she will be having a c-section so her vagina doesn’t get all f*cked up.  Keep using protection Snooki.  Later in the night Snooki decides that she wants to have her own private dance space so her and Jionni go to a bar.  Snooki decides to pull up her dress and show her naughty bits to the entire club.  Jionni gets pissed and walks away.  Snooki freaks out and starts to chase him in her 5 inch heels which is such a great idea in the cobblestone streets of Florence.  JWoww tries to stop Snooki and they have a huge fight.  It goes like this (don’t act like you haven’t heard this type of drunken convo before):

  “You’re doing it!!  “Don’t talk to me!”  You’re being a b*tch!”  “Don’t get near me!” This is immediately followed by the classic “Don’t touch me!” even though no one is touching her.  

JWoww decides to run off and look for Jionni herself leaving snooki to cry in the street.  Honestly if she had a cup out I think people walking by would’’ve dropped in some Euros for that wonderful performance.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, Snooki takes out her anger on a Florence taxi all Britney Spears style.  “Stupid taxi cab, you’re so stupid I hate you!”   Poor taxi…  Ronnie finally catches up to Jionni and they have a private conversation about what happens.  Ronnie says that Jionni needs to talk to Snooki and Jionni walks away.  Well, I guess that’s all she wrote.  Back to the streets of Florence Snooki is crying and JWoww is running around screaming in the streets with her 3 packs a day voice looking for Jionni.  Is anyone surprised why foreigners hate Americans so much yet?  They put Snooki in the cab home and for the first time I hear someone speaking Italian.  It’s friggin Sammi….really?  Someone bought Rosetta Stone tapes before this taping. 

The gang decides to grill burgers while waiting for Jionni and they burn everything.  How is that even possible with 3 guys working the grill? They’re never going to get jobs at McDonalds after their 15 minutes of fame is up.  Jionni finally comes back and totally bypasses Snooki and runs into the bathroom.  Of course Snooki follows him and they turn into Ronnie and Sammi 2.0 by arguing in the bathroom.  What…A…Mess.   Jionni breaks up wih her and then picks up his stuff and leaves the house.

Through all of this Sammi has a lightbulb moment and realizes that Snooki and Jionni look like she and Ronnie looked and she apologizes to everyone.  THANK YOU SAMMI FINALLY!!  The Situation offers his wisdom and states, “At the end of the day that kid is a friggin wanksta”.  Everyone thinks Jionni is weak for leaving.  What do you think?  Does he know what he walked into or is it Snooki’s fault?

Can’t wait for the next Jerzday!!!