Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Teen Mom Season 3: Reunion Special Pt. 1 - Amber and her eyelashes walked off the set

Teen Mom Reunion Special Time!!!! ---à Well, part one anyway....Someone please explain to me why they needed a two part special?

First off, they have all 4 girls on the stage and they are only going to talk to 2 of them…..lame.  Maci’s rocking those greasy blond extensions, Amber’s lashes are going from her face to the floor (and I think she’s high right now), Catelynn has switched from a flower to a bow in her hair (Btw-1992 called, they want their hair back).  I also think that Farrah is wearing a mumu?  Dr. Drew starts out and asks Maci what’s the deal with the pacifier.  She says that Bentley doesn't have the pacifier in at all times (LIES!).  Then she literally jokes about it saying  "If he has a pacifier at 17 then he won’t get his girlfriend pregnant".  Does she still not know how babies are made?  Catelynn says that she plans to start college for early childhood development in the fall.  Based on what we saw of her progress at school that’s definitely where she needs to start.  Basic Ed.  Amber says that Leah goes potty and then runs around the house completely naked afterward (foreshadowing anyone?).
Farrah is up first.  Farrah says that she is still planning on going to Florida.  Dr. Drew starts off and asks her why she doesn’t have any friends.  He thinks she should have lots of friends.  Does he watch the same show we do?   Here it comes!! Here it comes!!!  #Boom!  Ugly cry!!  She says it’s hard to find real friends (Newsflash: It’s because you are so rude and mean to people).   Dr. Drew keeps going in and asks Farrah about Derek.  He just really wants to see this ugly cry turn into a full out wail doesn’t he?  She says that being a Teen mom is very hard and that ppl need to educate themselves about contraceptives.  She hopes to meet friends and educate herself and have a great time with Sophia in Florida.  She plans to leave Sophia in Iowa for 2 weeks (she'll change her mind on that really quick) but she never told Debra that news.  Well, guess what?  Just like an old Maury episode, Debra is backstage and just heard the news and she’s ready to come out and give us a piece of her mind.  Come onnnnnnn out Debra!!!!  Of course Farrah decides that she will rudely explain to her mom that she’s taking Sophia away from her.  Alas, Debra and her perfectly feathered hair stay calm through all this drama.  She seems upset because she spent all this time fixing up Farrah's old room for Sophia.  Farrah cries saying that she doesn’t want Sophia in her bedroom because there are “lots of memories in that room” (was Sophia conceived there?).  Farrah’s having a lot of trouble moving on and the tears are spilling all down that orange tanned face of hers.  Dr. Drew tells her to let go of the fantasy of her childhood (THANK YOU DR. DREW) and to move on.  Just like I'm about to move on...

Next up is Amber.  Here we go people!!  Question time.  What drug is Amber on while taping this episode?  Uppers? Downers?  Is she falling asleep or just high?  Why is she swaying?  So many questions…well, at least her shoes are cute.  Dr. Drew starts out by asking about the domestic violence charges.  Amber doesn’t know what the status is of everything but she’s scared.  She doesn’t seem to understand why people are upset at her for hitting Gary.  Amber says that she and Gary are trying to work things out (bad idea).  Amber also says that “If you’re watching this show and you think it is glamorous then what is wrong with you.”  ßmost informative thing she’s ever said.  Dr. Drew commends her for trying to get help (and I do to, cause she’s a fucking train wreck).  The next part is still a bit weird to me.  Amber starts talking about her sister that she lost to SIDS.  She says that she was about 4 or 5 and then she starts doing the ugly cry (that’s Farrah’s cry Amber.  Stop it) and swaying a bit.  Her voice starts raising a few octaves and then she totally loses it.  It’s a mess.  Why is this the first time that she's mentioned her sister?  She's been on this show for YEARS and she's never mentioned this at all.  Is someone reaching for sympathy points??  Of course right after they get Amber's drug riddled emotions all up they decide to bring out Gary.  Gary’s wearing his nicest blue shirt (looking like the pacific ocean) and the buttons are screaming out for help.  Dr, Drew says that Gary constanly pushed Amber’s buttons this season.  Gary disagrees.  Btw, where did Gary’s neck go?  Is that a question for another show?  They discuss not having the joint birthday party.  Gary says he didn’t want a joint party to protect Leah from their fighting.  Amber jumps in with the attitude, the sour face and some neck rolling to let us all know that she had “changed” by then.  If you listen very quietly you will hear the caterpillars on her lashes mutter “mmmm hmmm”.  Gary says that he wants to be with Amber and that he’s in love with her.  Dr. Drew asks Amber if she’s in love with Gary and she just sits there and looks around ß--here’s your sign Gary.  Dr. Drew tries to sugar coat it all by saying that Amber doesn’t feel safe being in love with Gary but I don’t need a PHD to see that Amber thinks that she can do better than Gary.  Does Amber know that she's taping the reunion special for Teen Mom and not going to party with the cast of Jersey Shore later?  With her tan, her fake lashes (that I assume she got free with her purchase of LA Colors eyeshadow) and her stringy hair extensions it looks like she thought she was going to hang out with the gang right after the show.  I mean she obviously was DTF at one point right?  Too much?  Ok.... They finally talk about Amber’s relationship with her mom, Tonya.    Tonya comes out and I start trying to figure out if Amber just looks like her dad or what happened there.  Btw, was Tonya on any substances back in the day or does she need some dental work done?  It’s hard to understand what she’s saying sometimes.   They start talking about Amber’s sister Candice that passed away from SIDS and Amber dramatically walks off stage.  Amber’s mom just sits there like a bump on a log (great parenting) while Dr. Drew goes to comfort be continued......(Insert Ryan yawn here).

In all this special was kind of a bore.  Dr. Drew asked a few questions but he didn't get to the really good ones.  I mean I still had some written down on my paper:

*Farrah, why are you a complete b*tch to your parents ALL the time?  Don't you know that's disrespectful?

*Gary what is up with your one cute friend and where can we get his information?

*Amber, what's up with your education?  Will you ever graduate high school or are you just going to ride this out before you start stripping?

*Has anyone else (besides myself) thought about having a baby with Ryan?

Sigh, oh well.  They show some clips of next week.  Catelynn is worried that Tyler might dip out on her (he might).  Kyle and Ryan fight and I actually see Kyle’s teeth.  Sophia does the monster face.  Looks like next week will be much more exciting.  As promised I will stay up late and recap the crap out of next week as well.  Let’s hope I don’t have to repeatedly splash myself in the face with water to stay awake for that one.

Stay tuned!!!!


  1. Love your questions, I wonder if Dr. Drew takes suggestions? LOL

  2. OMG you had me cracking UP with your post!!! Amber's caterpillars?!? They mentioned her sister in one episode where they showed her crying and stuff. But really, she was FOUR, her sister was 2.5 weeks old - I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time imagining that it was THAT scarring! I bet you she's trying to blame EVERYTHING on that! Got pregnant? - My sister died. Hit Gary? - My sister died. Is a terrible Mom? - My sister died. Sorry, not to put down SIDS, it sucks, I know it's horrible, but it's really her MOTHER that would be scarred from that, not a four year old! Ugh! Anyways, thanks for making me laugh!

  3. You wrote this out just perfect!! I was laughing my ass off!! you nailed it on each and everyone. cant wait til next.

  4. I wish Dr. Drew would ask my questions lol. I do believe the drama with Amber was to get people to forget about how crappy of a mom she is. Thanks for reading!