Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Jersey Shore: The one where a tan Hello Kitty runs through the streets of Florence chasing Super Mario



This episode starts out with Snooki getting a breathalyzer by the Florence police because she rear ended a cop car.  Yep a cop car.  She doesn’t want to go to jail (since she did that last season) but she ends up going anyway because the guys cannot get her passport to her fast enough.  Unfortunately they are not able to show her going to jail or anything which is unfortunate because I could only imagine how that would go.  Snooki and Deena yelling “Team Meatball” and tonguing each other in the jail cell.  Kind of like those old movies they used to show late at night on Cinemax right??  Her response to the whole incident was “Whatareyagonnado? Whateva?”  How about not hit a cop car Snooki?  That’s what I would do.  Snooki gets home and immediately calls Jionni who responds by asking “Were you drunk?”  They seem to know each other so well already.   Jionni tells her that Roger's not coming to visit.  Snooki has to tell JWoww who gets incredibly upset and does the ugly cry (not the right show JWoww).  The girls decide to all go out and have a girls night.  The guys go out as well.  Let’s see what trash they bring back home…  There’s a slight montage of the guys dancing at the club.  Here’s my question.  Does anyone else notice that no one else is ever dancing when the guys are on the dance floor?  They just stand around and stare like “stupid americans”.  I’m so embarrassed for my country.  Moving on.

Snooki, who has stayed home from the club, gets a special late night visitor. 
Mike’s “friend” Britney (who thinks DTF is her middle name) wants to see The Situation’s situation and she wants to see it now.  Snooki takes full advantage of this and takes her to the confession room.  What ensues is probably the funnies thing that Snooki has ever done.  Britney is confessing her love for The Situation while being drunker than a skunk and Snooki is making fun of her in the background.  Snooki tells her to call Sitch daily, send him flowers and then she asks her to lay in his bed and wait for him.   The boys finally come home with their “grenades” and Sitch finds Britney in his bed….while he’s standing there with another girl….#Boom awkward.  Sitch decides that he’ll go with the whore that he knows will put out and kicks out the new Australian trash he picked up.  Snooki gets pissed because her prank turned into a Ho delivery service (write that down Snooki you may need that job idea in about 5 years).
The next day Snooki is freaking out because Jionni will be here soon.  She has JWoww spray tan her and then she starts trying on outfits like crazy.   The crazy thing is that everything she wears looks like a Halloween costume.  She decides to go with the Cop costume.which is fitting since she just got arrested the day before.   Jionni finally arrives and Snooki is bouncing off the walls.    Of course she wants to catch up and everything so they head straight to the smush room.  Don’t worry folks.  Snooki puts on new sheets and febreezing so “you know, they don’t get diseases” (too late).    While this is going on Mike decides (in his head) that Jionni hates him.  He starts doing karate moves in the hallway to which Deena replies “Do your thing Kung Fu Panda” <--Ding! Ding! Ding! One liner of the episode.

After the smushfest the gang decides to go out.  Snooki is wearing an outfit that makes her look like Hello Kittty’s lost tan sister.  In the cab Mike starts spouting off at the mouth that he thinks Jionni is going to fight him.  He is really sticking to his fake storyline this week.  No one believes him for a second and it’s making him look like an idiot. 

Snooki decides that she and Jionni are going to have tan guido babies and that she will be having a c-section so her vagina doesn’t get all f*cked up.  Keep using protection Snooki.  Later in the night Snooki decides that she wants to have her own private dance space so her and Jionni go to a bar.  Snooki decides to pull up her dress and show her naughty bits to the entire club.  Jionni gets pissed and walks away.  Snooki freaks out and starts to chase him in her 5 inch heels which is such a great idea in the cobblestone streets of Florence.  JWoww tries to stop Snooki and they have a huge fight.  It goes like this (don’t act like you haven’t heard this type of drunken convo before):

  “You’re doing it!!  “Don’t talk to me!”  You’re being a b*tch!”  “Don’t get near me!” This is immediately followed by the classic “Don’t touch me!” even though no one is touching her.  

JWoww decides to run off and look for Jionni herself leaving snooki to cry in the street.  Honestly if she had a cup out I think people walking by would’’ve dropped in some Euros for that wonderful performance.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, Snooki takes out her anger on a Florence taxi all Britney Spears style.  “Stupid taxi cab, you’re so stupid I hate you!”   Poor taxi…  Ronnie finally catches up to Jionni and they have a private conversation about what happens.  Ronnie says that Jionni needs to talk to Snooki and Jionni walks away.  Well, I guess that’s all she wrote.  Back to the streets of Florence Snooki is crying and JWoww is running around screaming in the streets with her 3 packs a day voice looking for Jionni.  Is anyone surprised why foreigners hate Americans so much yet?  They put Snooki in the cab home and for the first time I hear someone speaking Italian.  It’s friggin Sammi….really?  Someone bought Rosetta Stone tapes before this taping. 
The gang decides to grill burgers while waiting for Jionni and they burn everything.  How is that even possible with 3 guys working the grill? They’re never going to get jobs at McDonalds after their 15 minutes of fame is up.  Jionni finally comes back and totally bypasses Snooki and runs into the bathroom.  Of course Snooki follows him and they turn into Ronnie and Sammi 2.0 by arguing in the bathroom.  What…A…Mess.   Jionni breaks up wih her and then picks up his stuff and leaves the house.

Through all of this Sammi has a lightbulb moment and realizes that Snooki and Jionni look like she and Ronnie looked and she apologizes to everyone.  THANK YOU SAMMI FINALLY!!  The Situation offers his wisdom and states, “At the end of the day that kid is a friggin wanksta”.  Everyone thinks Jionni is weak for leaving.  What do you think?  Does he know what he walked into or is it Snooki’s fault?

Can’t wait for the next Jerzday!!!   

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHA... Well I think that anyone who decides to date Snooki is a dumba** in the first place. They all shoulda known he was a "wanksta" waaay before he made it to Italy. They all just need to date each other so they can 1)stop spreading their diseases to people outside of their gang 2)know exactly what they are getting into with each other and 3)make more drama for the show so you can keep writing your hilarious blog ;)