Jersey Shore: The one where a tan Hello Kitty runs through the streets of Florence chasing Super Mario

JIOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!

 

This episode starts out with Snooki getting a breathalyzer by the Florence police because she rear ended a cop car.  Yep a cop car.  She doesn’t want to go to jail (since she did that last season) but she ends up going anyway because the guys cannot get her passport to her fast enough.  Unfortunately they are not able to show her going to jail or anything which is unfortunate because I could only imagine how that would go.  Snooki and Deena yelling “Team Meatball” and tonguing each other in the jail cell.  Kind of like those old movies they used to show late at night on Cinemax right??  Her response to the whole incident was “Whatareyagonnado? Whateva?”  How about not hit a cop car Snooki?  That’s what I would do.  Snooki gets home and immediately calls Jionni who responds by asking “Were you drunk?”  They seem to know each other so well already.   Jionni tells her that Roger's not coming to visit.  Snooki has to tell JWoww who gets incredibly upset and does the ugly cry (not the right show JWoww).  The girls decide to all go out and have a girls night.  The guys go out as well.  Let’s see what trash they bring back home…  There’s a slight montage of the guys dancing at the club.  Here’s my question.  Does anyone else notice that no one else is ever dancing when the guys are on the dance floor?  They just stand around and stare like “stupid americans”.  I’m so embarrassed for my country.  Moving on.

Snooki, who has stayed home from the club, gets a special late night visitor. 

Mike’s “friend” Britney (who thinks DTF is her middle name) wants to see The Situation’s situation and she wants to see it now.  Snooki takes full advantage of this and takes her to the confession room.  What ensues is probably the funnies thing that Snooki has ever done.  Britney is confessing her love for The Situation while being drunker than a skunk and Snooki is making fun of her in the background.  Snooki tells her to call Sitch daily, send him flowers and then she asks her to lay in his bed and wait for him.   The boys finally come home with their “grenades” and Sitch finds Britney in his bed….while he’s standing there with another girl….#Boom awkward.  Sitch decides that he’ll go with the whore that he knows will put out and kicks out the new Australian trash he picked up.  Snooki gets pissed because her prank turned into a Ho delivery service (write that down Snooki you may need that job idea in about 5 years).

The next day Snooki is freaking out because Jionni will be here soon.  She has JWoww spray tan her and then she starts trying on outfits like crazy.   The crazy thing is that everything she wears looks like a Halloween costume.  She decides to go with the Cop costume.which is fitting since she just got arrested the day before.   Jionni finally arrives and Snooki is bouncing off the walls.    Of course she wants to catch up and everything so they head straight to the smush room.  Don’t worry folks.  Snooki puts on new sheets and febreezing so “you know, they don’t get diseases” (too late).    While this is going on Mike decides (in his head) that Jionni hates him.  He starts doing karate moves in the hallway to which Deena replies “Do your thing Kung Fu Panda” <--Ding! Ding! Ding! One liner of the episode.

After the smushfest the gang decides to go out.  Snooki is wearing an outfit that makes her look like Hello Kittty’s lost tan sister.  In the cab Mike starts spouting off at the mouth that he thinks Jionni is going to fight him.  He is really sticking to his fake storyline this week.  No one believes him for a second and it’s making him look like an idiot. 

Snooki decides that she and Jionni are going to have tan guido babies and that she will be having a c-section so her vagina doesn’t get all f*cked up.  Keep using protection Snooki.  Later in the night Snooki decides that she wants to have her own private dance space so her and Jionni go to a bar.  Snooki decides to pull up her dress and show her naughty bits to the entire club.  Jionni gets pissed and walks away.  Snooki freaks out and starts to chase him in her 5 inch heels which is such a great idea in the cobblestone streets of Florence.  JWoww tries to stop Snooki and they have a huge fight.  It goes like this (don’t act like you haven’t heard this type of drunken convo before):

  “You’re doing it!!  “Don’t talk to me!”  You’re being a b*tch!”  “Don’t get near me!” This is immediately followed by the classic “Don’t touch me!” even though no one is touching her.  

JWoww decides to run off and look for Jionni herself leaving snooki to cry in the street.  Honestly if she had a cup out I think people walking by would’’ve dropped in some Euros for that wonderful performance.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, Snooki takes out her anger on a Florence taxi all Britney Spears style.  “Stupid taxi cab, you’re so stupid I hate you!”   Poor taxi…  Ronnie finally catches up to Jionni and they have a private conversation about what happens.  Ronnie says that Jionni needs to talk to Snooki and Jionni walks away.  Well, I guess that’s all she wrote.  Back to the streets of Florence Snooki is crying and JWoww is running around screaming in the streets with her 3 packs a day voice looking for Jionni.  Is anyone surprised why foreigners hate Americans so much yet?  They put Snooki in the cab home and for the first time I hear someone speaking Italian.  It’s friggin Sammi….really?  Someone bought Rosetta Stone tapes before this taping. 

The gang decides to grill burgers while waiting for Jionni and they burn everything.  How is that even possible with 3 guys working the grill? They’re never going to get jobs at McDonalds after their 15 minutes of fame is up.  Jionni finally comes back and totally bypasses Snooki and runs into the bathroom.  Of course Snooki follows him and they turn into Ronnie and Sammi 2.0 by arguing in the bathroom.  What…A…Mess.   Jionni breaks up wih her and then picks up his stuff and leaves the house.

Through all of this Sammi has a lightbulb moment and realizes that Snooki and Jionni look like she and Ronnie looked and she apologizes to everyone.  THANK YOU SAMMI FINALLY!!  The Situation offers his wisdom and states, “At the end of the day that kid is a friggin wanksta”.  Everyone thinks Jionni is weak for leaving.  What do you think?  Does he know what he walked into or is it Snooki’s fault?

Can’t wait for the next Jerzday!!!   

Teen Mom Season 3 finale- "You can’t just bitch slap people 24-7 for doing bad things"

^^^&vvv  Flashback before the orange tans and fake boobs!!  

Well I can’t believe it.  It’s finally here.  The finale of Teen Mom Season 3.  We’ve grown to love, hate and laugh at this adorable cast of teens.  Hopefully they’ll announce when we’ll see Season 4 premiere but until then we’ll just break down this last final 90 minute episode.  Oh also as an added bonus I put some old and new pics on this blog.  =)


FARRAH

 

We’ll start with Farrah.  At the beginning of this episode Farrah had decided to move to Florida with Sophia.  We see footage of Sophia’s 2^nd birthday.  Of course within the first 30 seconds Farrah with her cheery attitude tells Michael to “shut the hell up” while she was trying to hide Sophia’s presents.  Michael takes it in stride.  I imagine he’s already had his few daily drinks to quell the pain of being in that family by now.  Farrah makes a well…interesting looking cake (where’d she get that Associates Degree from again?) and they all sit around the table and argue about their versions of how painful and stressful Sophia’s birth was.  Sophia gets a potato head for her birthday.  I’m surprised they didn’t get her a glowworm since that would probably soothe Sophia more at night (seeing as how Farrah kind of has that glowworm look to her).   Of course during the celebration Debra Downer brings up the fact that Farrah isn’t done with school and helps bring out Farrah’s ugly cry.  Once Debra sees the ugly cry she comes in with the kill and asks to keep Sophia again.  She follows up with her own ugly cry and that may have sealed the deal for the new living arrangement.  Farrah decides to meet with a “friend” Ali to discuss possibly leaving for Florida without Sophia.  Sidenote: Who the hell is Ali?  We know Farrah doesn’t have friends.  How much did MTV pay her for this scene?  Also maybe it’s that restaurant lighting but Farrah’s “invisible” braces are so um….invisible right now.  And is Sophia wearing leather pants or shiny black vinyl?  She looks like Olivia Newton John in the last scene of Grease. Later Farrah decides to have a really important conversation with Sophia over an etch a sketch over the pros and cons of moving as all important decisions DO require using an etch a sketch.  Farrah’s leaning towards keeping Sophia in Iowa.  In the end, Farrah decides to leave Sophia in Iowa.  Debra’s never looked happier with this decision.  Also, I’m so glad they had this important conversation in the dressing room of their local department store.  Also can we talk about those poor people who were spending a nice afternoon at their local Iowa sears looking for some hip, fashionable, clothing (perhaps the Kardashian Kollection). and then they go to try on some clothes in the fitting room and have to listen to Debra and Farrah have a conversation about Farrah abandoning her kid so she can go to Florida and “focus on herself”. Towards the end of the episode, Farrah goes on a drive to say goodbye to all the places that remind her of Sophia’s dad.  They go to the convention center, the lookout point where they used to just talk and “look at each other” for hours (i.e. where Sophia was conceived), and the high school.   I guess Farrah DOES need to get herself together, even if that means leaving Sophia behind. I think Sophia has a better chance with nutcase Debra than nutcase Farrah that cant stop crying for 5 minutes.


MACI

Maci’s story is interesting??? (<---I meant to put question marks).  Maci and her mom are out getting pedicures and trying to figure out how to get Kyle to marry her.  Maci decides that she’s going to have to avoid Ryan by having her mom be the go-between with drop offs with Bentley (yeah um…we’ll see how this goes).  Maci decides to message Ryan’s parents to discuss the new arrangement.  Ryan tries to figure out what Maci wants first by calling (of course his mom’s nosy behind is right there listening).  The next day Maci goes with Kyle to pick up Bentley.  Maci tells Ryan the new arrangement.  Ryan tries to argue with her and gets really heated.  He even punches a punching bag and doesn’t even yawn the entire time.  It shows that he’s still emotionally invested in everything (cause he still loves her ß-oop did I just say that) which could be good or bad.  Maci and Kyle talk about avoiding Ryan and Maci tells Kyle that she makes the rules and he can get over it if he doesn’t like it (Message to Kyle: It will be this way forever.  Are you sure you want that?).  On the first day of the “arrangement” it gets all sorts of messed up (since Maci forgets that people work M-F) so she has to drop of Bentley with Ryan by herself.  She decides to speak to her friend Erica to discuss the new arrangement that never happened.  Again, who is Erica?  Another “extra” MTV?  She’s frustrated that she’ll always have to deal with Ryan.  Did anyone play back that “You should’ve thought about that before you had a baby with him” statement in their head from Maci’s mom last week  when they heard her say that?  Just me?  Ok…  Back at Ryan’s house Ryan’s doing what he does best (hanging out and doing nothing) and his dad suggests that he go back to school to find another trade instead of sleeping.  The convo goes something like this:

Dad: “You ever think about going back to school, maybe getting another trade?

Ryan: "Do I need another trade though?"

Dad: "It's better than sleeping." 

Me: #Boom!  ß-Hashtag! Hashtag! Hashtag!!

Ok so maybe I wasn’t actually in the scene but those would’ve been my lines…

Ryan’s dad  follows up by calling Ryan a winner and I think he just earned himself more airtime with these jabs.   In the end Maci and Ryan meet at a restaurant to discuss their relationship.  They decide to get along for Bentley’s sake.  Maci asks when he’s going to meet someone.  I think she’s just fishing for info cause she still loves him (yeah I said it).  Maci decides to have yet another “where do we stand” conversation with Kyle.  Good lord Maci, don’t scare him away.  Maci says she can’t wait forever for Kyle.  Kyle says if he’s not worth waiting for then she shouldn’t wait because he doesn’t know when he wants to get married.  Because he’s 21.  Because he doesn’t have a kid.  Because he’s smart.  The End.


CATELYNN 

 

Moving on to Catelynn and Tyler. Butch is living in Detroit due to the no contact order.  He calls Tyler to ask if he can move in with him and Catelynn for 3 months. I CAN NOT WAIT for this to happen.  Tyler decides to discuss the new roommate situation over an afternoon lunch with Catelynn.   He and Cate decide to make a list of rules for Butch.  It goes something like this:  1. No drugs. 2. No illegal actions.   I’m lovin this already.  Move in day, well night (cause it looks like it’s 8pm) comes and Butch shows up with his dog, his flashy hot chili pepper pajama pants (and a dream) and he’s ready to party! Moods change when Butch, Catelynn and Tyler are talking about graduation.  Butch wants to know what to do if  Carly comes to graduation and he decides to grab her.  Well, they’d probably call 9-1-1 Butch.  Butch doesn’t really understand the whole adoption thing again and is bringing the whole house down.  Cate and Ty decide that having Carly at graduation may not be such a great idea since it would bring more drama than good.  They send an email to Brandon and Theresa to let them know not to bring Carly.  I can just imagine the relief on Brandon and Theresa’s faces when they read this email.   In the end Catelynn and Tyler are waiting around for Butch who hasn’t come back since last night.  April comes over and says that Butch is back in jail.  Btw how messed up does April look?  Tyler, April and Catelynn are crying.  Nick is even upset and crying on the couch.  So sad…. Nick sums it up by saying “This is horrible”.  It is Bentley 2.0, it is…. 




AMBER

 

In the loveisrespect.org world, Amber and Gary are trying to get the no contact order lifted but since there is an ice storm they can’t make that happen.  Gary, the glutton for punishment, wants to get back together with Amber ASAP once it is released.  Amber’s still rocking the Tammy Faye lashes and Lee Press on Nails.  The net day court is postponed again so Amber’s friend Jessica comes over to discuss everything.  For the last time who the eff is Jessica MTV?   Once again, Amber is rocking the lashes and discusses possibly getting back with Gary.   She says that she’s learned that you can’t just bitch slap people 24-7 for doing bad things” <--yes you can Amber, yes you can.  Gary’s hot friend Evan (seriously he’s hot why hasn’t he knocked anyone up yet?) comes over to talk to Gary about the no contact order.  Btw- I’m so tired of this story line (insert Ryan yawn here).  Gary is whining about how much he loves Amber and blah blah blah all while wearing his bright red Koolaid shirt (can I get an “Oh Yeah!!!”?)  Evan suggests that Gary write Amber a song.  Please write a song Gary please!  The ice storm finally lets up so Gary and Amber can go to court and get the no contact order lifted.  They revised the no contact order so they can’t be around with Leah present but they can now see each other.  Gary is psyched!!  Amber doesn’t seem as excited.  Amber’s mom reminds her that just because the contact order is lifted doesn’t mean that they need to get back together.  Amber goes all Madea on her mom by angrily saying how she changed and how she’s not angry anymore (okay?) and then they both yell at the traffic ….classy.…  Back at Gary’s place he actually wrote a song.  OMFG Thank you!!    Back at Amber’s place she’s busy not being angry by yelling at Leah for putting on her “expensive” makeup (did she get that from Big Lots?).  Gary calls her and sings his newly written song to Amber.  She’s not amused.  She doesn’t want to jump into a relationship right now because “someone needs to be the adult”.  Please let me know when you find the adult in all this ok? Gary gets upset and hangs up the phone.   Amber tries to call back but he ignores the call.  Btw I love how when Amber calls Gary the caller ID says “Plain old Amber”.  Did anyone else notice that?

And that’s all she wrote folks.  The season finale.  This cast has definitely grown up from the beginning of the season but there definitely is still a long road ahead.

Clips from the reunion look interesting.  They bring out Kyle and Ryan on the same stage all Jerry Springer style.  Dr. Drew finally asks Farrah why she doesn’t have friends and  Catelynn shows how insecure it makes her feel when she sees how Tyler had second thoughts about their relationship during this season.  Oh and she switched from a flower to a small bow in her hair so you know she’s serious.   Also Amber and her mom discuss losing Ambers sister to SIDS and Amber walks out.  It looks like Dr. Drew may actually get to some good issues on this one.  I will definitely be watching and of course recapping the absolute crap out of it!!   Stay tuned!!!

Teen Mom: The Dad's Special

 <---I love me some Yawning Ryan!!!

MTV finally decided to give us the dads side of the story with their 90 minute special on the Teen Dads from Teen Mom.  While I would've rather seen them followed by cameras while they tried to pick up girls at their local club by saying "Yeah, I'm that guy who knocked up that teen girl on MTV.  Now let's make it rain!!", I'll just settle for 90 minutes of dads making weird and uncomfortable faces while sitting on a couch watching old footage of them being total assholes while Dr. Drew sugar coats everything.   Shall we continue?  I think we should.

Anywho, the first 5 minutes does not disappoint as we get to see old clips of these "dads" acting like total idiots to the Teen Moms.  Bravo MTV, Bravo.  Then we get to hear little funny sex-ed foils. Gary once used saran wrap as a condom (I imagine the whole roll and not in a good way) and Tyler once used a condom that had already gone through the wash.  Also 1 in 5 of the Teen Dads on stage thinks that standing upright during sex will prevent pregnancy.  Keep laughing audience.  This is how babies are made.   

They decide to group the Teen Dads into sections.  First being the 2 that have f*cked up relationships.  That would be Gary and Amber from Teen Mom and Adam and Chelsea from Teen Mom 2 (<---not as good as the original Teen Mom - #Ihatesequels- hashtag!). Adam is basically the same douche that we see on the show and doesn't give much insight or info except to say that "he doesn't like having to relive what happens on the show".....great...  That's all I'll say about him because he called his baby a mistake and well, I just really don't care what he has to say ever.  Moving on, Gary recognizes that most people think he's a p*ssy (glad you notice that Gary) but says that he's just a really nice guy and that Leah is his everything. He even asks to take a "toll" about it and it seems like the audience does like Gary.  I'll admit it.  I love that big ole tub of lard Gary and I wish him the best with that crazy b*tch Amber.

Next up is Tyler and Corey with the f*cked up family section of the show.  They show old show footage of the two guys buying engagement rings, proposing to their girls and Corey and Leah's wedding.  When they pan back I think I see Corey about to do the ugly cry but he holds it in. Corey said he jumped right into marriage and then he jumped right back out.  The audience laughs.  Yes everyone, divorce IS hilarious.  Dr. Drew slyly notes that condoms cost way less than twins.  The more you know Dr. Drew, the more you know.  Now they show the Tyler/Butch footage.  Tyler says that their relationship is good but he doesn't think Butch will ever be sober......sad.  Tyler wants to break the cycle and be a good dad to his other children eventually.  He's so knowledgeable beyond his years.  I just find myself constantly rooting for him whether he's with Catelynn or not.


Time for the custody battle group: Yawny Ryan and Wannabe Rapper Jo.  Starting off they show footage of them fighting over custody with the Teen Moms.  Ahhhh verbal abuse is so refreshing.   Ryan says that having to go through all of that "sucked".  He is such a man of few words.  Dr. Drew ask them if they're happy with their exes moving on and they both seem to not care about the new guys.  Of course Dr. Drew goes back to the "would you ever see yourself getting back together" question (because he's 16).  Jo says "maybe" and Ryan says something to the effect of it would need to be a life changing event or something but it sounded like this "maybitwdneedtobelikelifechangingslursslurslur". Dr. Drewsky asks Jo and Ryan if they're dating anyone to which they both reply "no".  Apparently they are "hooking up" with people though which is hilarious to the audience because well, teen pregnancy is hilarious and can get you a ton of money and your own spinoff on MTV.


Finally Dr. Drew sits down with all of the guys to talk about the biggest fights that were on the show.  Again, verbal abuse is the name of this special.  Dr. Drew thought Ryan had a "reaction" to the clips but Ryan denied it.  I think Ryan was just trying to hide a yawn and a facial expression came through.  Gary mentioned something pathetic about missing Amber and blah blah blah.  Dr. Drew asks them to give advice.  Tyler says leave if you're unhappy (which Dr. Drew points out is hard if you have kids - nice low blow Drew).  Adam of course says no one will learn from their mistakes because he's a genius.  Ryan says something about thinking before you do anything but I couldn't really understand it between the slurs and southern draw.  Corey says that he gets called a slob and a price and a piece of shit and Ryan says that he gets called a douchebag (maybe they've read my blog???).  I think it's time for a loveisrespect.org plug!!!!! Annnnnnnnnnd --->BOOM!!!  Dr. Drew just said it!


In the end Ryan says that he doesn't want kids for a long time (maybe never) and he doesn't ever want to have another baby by himself (don't worry Ryan).  Tyler says that "sometimes girls are evil" and "they can be manipulative and want attention constantly", you know, kind of like Teen Dads that want their own special?


All in all I thought this was a good special but I wish they would've followed the dads "Teen Mom" style for a few weeks and shown that footage.  Oh well.  I can always dream....


Did you see the special?  What are your thoughts?  Comment below and we'll discuss.  You know, no big whoop....